The USA Presidential Race


Some people have termed it ‘the most illogical and undemocratic election ever’. Ok, I don’t know if anyone has ever said that, but it’s at least partially true. The great race to secure your party’s nomination for President of the United States of America is as tediously long as the NBA regular season. It takes a good 18 months to secure the nomination, and I’m sorry, but that’s just stupid.

One thing that is good about it though – is that these primaries and caucases the candidates have to jump through, have the potential to be really exciting. It’s 50 mini elections before one MASSIVE election. It’s the ultimate playoff race, only if the playoffs were usually over by the 4th match, yet they played the other 46 matches anyway.

Let’s clear one thing up though. Not all elections are exciting. CLOSE elections are exciting.

That’s what makes this current race so interesting though. It’s close. In fact it’s not just close, it’s as closely fought as a Julia Gillard vs Julie Bishop death match – only without the nasal voices, bad haircuts, feminist ideals, crossed eyes and general disgustingness. On a side note, who wouldn’t pay to see that? Any chance there was of Julia Gillard being exterminated… I would be there with courtside seats.

Well, it’s close on one side of the fence anyway. The race between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton to secure the Democrat’s nomination is fierce. It’s ugly. It’s got media. It’s got race battles. It’s got gender battles. It’s got religion battles. In other words, it’s a media dream.

On one side, there’s Hillary. The embattled wife of a former President. She sheds tears, she’s got one of those deep and husky female voices that you’re not sure if it came from some sort of sex change operation in the early 50s, or whether she employed Kate Mulgrew as a voice coach. Either way, it makes her sound more masculine. Combine that with the way she dresses, the micro-managing style she has over her campaigners, the fact that she got Jack Nocholson to endorse her… it’s all just a little bit too much GI Jane. Except without Demi Moore and the head shaving.

Hillary’s big appeal is… well… I’m not actually sure. In some circles people like her because she’s female. Yep, that’s how easy people are to please. Who cares about policy? Who cares about her morals? Who cares about whether she can be Commander in Chief of the most powerful nation on Earth? She’s a freaking female! That’s one reason people like her.

Actually has anyone noticed how most feminists are actually distancing themselves from Hillary? For decades the Germaine Greer’s of the world have been demanding that the USA give a woman a chance in the Oval Office. Unfortunately for them – they have Hillary. This would be like going to a party and demand your friend sets you up with a girl for the night, only the girl he sets you up with is Britney Spears – post head shave. Personally, I’d ask for a mulligan.

Another reason people will vote for her though, is that her husband was a freakishly popular President, and a simply amazing public speaker. Hispanics and lower to middle class Americans identify her with Bill, and that’s enough to secure their vote. Never mind that if anyone investigated Hillary’s policies that find that her healthcare plan was written on the back side of a used toilet paper square out the front of the Met 33 Nightclub in New York – and probably should’ve stayed there. Never mind that when it comes to foreign policy she has as much knowledge as Wayne Swan does on the International Political Economy. People will vote for Hillary because she’s a Clinton, or because she’s female. God Bless America.

Hang on though, let’s look at her competition. It’s Barack ‘Change’ Obama – otherwise known as the Black Kevin Rudd. Obama’s message is clear. He wants change. Of course the next question is obvious. What do you want to change?

That’s when Obama gets a bit fuzzy. If he was asked that question, he’d say something like ‘I want to change… Amercia!” followed by thousands of supporters chanting his name while he retraces his steps to find where he left his thesaurus. Yep, Obama is pretty weak on policy, experience… everything really, except rhetoric.

The thing is though, the American system is so crazy, that it’s actually working. All you hear are soundbytes from his rallies and it’s very simple what people hear, “Change” or “Yes we can”.

Well, that’s awesome isn’t it? He wants to change, and believes he can do it. Wow! Let’s elect him President straight away; he’s going to change things! What things? Uh… who cares? How will he do it? Who cares??? Change baby!

As you can probably tell, he’s not impressing me all that much. But then you compare him with Hillary AKA the Devil Incarnate, and all of a sudden, the waters become muddied.

The other great thing about the Democratic race though, is how dirty it’s become. Mud slinging is one thing. This however, is a full torrent of volcanic ash. Did anyone else see the photos Hillary’s campaign released about Obama’s visit to Somalia? Basically, Obama is dressed up in traditional Somalian dress, and that makes him look like a Muslim.

Now! Obama is actually a Christian (has professed to be many times, and if he actually was a Muslim and said he wasn’t – well, that’s pretty bad according to the Quran) but Hillary wants to play on the USA’s fear of Muslims by ‘suggesting’ that he is one. Crazy! Although, it’s not too dissimilar from the Australian Liberal party’s tactics in Lindsay. Talk about lame!

One thing is certain though, whoever ends up with the Democratic nomination… they will be elected as the next President of the United States. Why?

Because their opponent will be John ‘Calcified’ McCain! I swear, at his latest press conference (where he was denying sexual misconduct allegations in true Presidential style) you could actually see the calcium deposits dripping off him. It was hilarious to watch. I half expected him to collapse into a wheelchair right there and be wheeled off the stage. McCain should be in a Residential Aged Care Facility, not in the Oval Office.

So, how did McCain get the nomination? Well, he beat out Mitt “Will you accept $50 Billion in cash?” Rommney, and Mike “Let me just reload my tactical assault rifle’ Huckabee. Neither of these guys ever really stood a chance – which is amazing in itself seeing as they were running against the Calcium Man.

Huckabbee had the best stunt of the campaign though. Getting Chuck Norris in his ads was pure genius. The problem was, that AK-47 wanted to abolish the IRS (the equivalent of Bon Jovi saying he wanted to abolish the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences of the United States – goodbye Grammys!). He also was a lifetime hunter and demanded that 15 year olds should still be allowed to by their own Uzi 9mm at the local corner shop. In other words – he’s a total psychopath.

Who was he up against? The Million Dollar Man, Mitt Romney. Mitt’s problem was the he actually had no idea what he stood for, how he was running, or even WHY he was running. He was like Britney in an interview chair. She knows she ‘should’ be there, but it all seems a little bit strange as to why people want to talk to her.

So, how did Mitt stay in the race so long? Easy. He was as cashed up as Robbie Williams is sexed up. Money buys power – especially in American politics. Actually, it buys power anywhere. Money makes the world go round.

Now, the only thing we’re waiting on now is for Hillary to win Texas (the day they vote for a black person will be the same day Penny Wong becomes a sex symbol), and Obama to win Ohio, and we’ll all be set for a Pennsylvania Primary that will undoubtedly go to Obama.

So, Obama vs McCain will be the contest come November. And barring the biggest fear campaign in the history of human communication, or 6 trillion Obama sex scandals, I can confidently say that Come January 20, 2009, the President of the United States will be Barack Obama.

God help us all.

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Obama and Hillary
Obama and Hillary are prepared
to fight to the death

Jack Nicholson
Jack has stepped into battle for Hillary


Obama all dressed up
The photo that has both campaigns
reaching for their Ak-47s

Wherever John McCain is, you can be sure
that he's left a trail of calcium in his wake
Chuck Norris wants to destroy
the political opposition