Emptying the mail


So I was in the car driving down to Canberra for my High School reunion, when one of the guys I was travelling with asked me how my website was going.

“Great!” I answered far too eagerly. Then I realised it had been a month since I’d actually written anything. So, I went searching for ideas and found a bunch of emails that actual readers had sent in. The result: Mailbag number 2! Onto the questions:

Without further ado, and for the avid interest of your captive readers, I present my top 5 "he" list:

1. Sam Sparro
2. Jake Gyllenhaal
3. Wentworth Miller
4. Matthew McConaughey
5. Hugh Jackman

That WAS tough to decide! But undoubtedly Sam Sparro takes the number one right now.  Incidentally, two on the list, Sam and Wentworth, are similarly-oriented which is pretty awesome I reckon, and of course Jake has ACTED as such which is almost as good.  Look out we're taking over.

Phil, London

Ok, I should give this some context. In my last mailbag I gave a list of who I thought the top 5 best looking un-married celebrities were. My list was Jennifer Hawkins, Rachel Bilson, Kristin Kreuk, Rachel McAdams and Ana Ivanovic. Now, that list needs some updating (naturally Hawkins is still number 1) but looking at this “he” list – I don’t get it.

Hugh Jackman is like 50 years old and has kids. How can that allow him to be in the top 5 best guys in the World?? I also reckon that Jake only made the list because he played a gay cowboy in Brokeback. Wentworth Miller? Never heard of him. And this Sam Sparro guy… well, I hadn’t heard of him til I got this email and when I saw who he was – I wasn’t very impressed.

Now, I think I’m like most guys in that I have no idea if another guy is ‘good looking’ or not… but I can usually tell if a guy is NOT good looking at all – Marilyn Manson and Wayne Swan spring to mind. But anyway Phil, like I said in my last email, I have no desire to know who you thought were the top 5 best looking males… but thanks for dropping me an email. Now, I think we need a far more masculine question to counteract the fairy nature of that one.

That was a very cynical look at a game of Friday Night Football. I agree that the channel 9 team are a bunch of %^&*^@  (especially Phil Gould, he must be giving good %^*@ to someone to keep his job) I put this question to you; when you liked rugby league did you analyse the game like that and if you did was it in a more positive light?

Blake, Sydney

Now that’s more like it! I feel my masculinity returning with a vengeance.

The point I guess is a fair one. For those of you who read my running diary of Friday Night Football a while ago, I approached it from a very cynical manner. However, even if I had done a running diary of League about 13 years ago when it actually mattered I probably still would have approached it from a cynical manner.

Now, I would have been in year 7 at the time, so it would have been littered with typos, Alicia Silverstone references, and lame jokes… wait… ok not much has changed, but what I was aiming to do with the running diary was go for humour more than strictly expert analysis. So even back in the day, I still would have written it with a ‘mocking’ manner.

However, I wasn’t quite prepared for just how bad Rugby League had become. I was hoping to write a few pop culture jokes, throw in a few cheesy one liners, and occasionally mention the game. However after about the 6 trillionth bomb in a row, I was more exasperated than Glenn Stevens after a conversation with Kevin Rudd. The game is a shadow of its former self.

That being said, all hope is not lost. In fact, that gives me an idea for a new column. So stay tuned in the next few weeks (most likely months) for a column on how to fix Rugby League. Booyah!

This is my time. Last year is irrelevant. I’m the greatest!

Lewis Hamilton, Silverstone

Lewis, I think you’re a nice guy so I’m going to be honest with you. I really believe you're a talented racing driver… but you were in the EXACT SAME position as you were last year when you choked worse than John Hewson circa 1993. You had the lead in the championship. All you had to do was finish 5th… and you didn’t do it!

Now, this year the race was in exactly the same location, and you had exactly the same scenario. However, there was one main thing in your favour this year. You were up against Massa instead of Raikkonen. Now, Raikkonen is a proven winner. Ultimately though, you know what you’re going to get. He’s the Aston Martin of the F1 world – fast as hell, cool exterior, and he pulls the ladies like it’s nobody’s business.

With Massa though, it’s different. This guy is an accident waiting to happen. He is liable to have a brain explosion at any moment. And quite frankly, he’s not a champion. If Massa had won the F1 Championship I don’t know what would have happened. It would have been like in Back to the Future when Doc Brown is petrified that if Jennifer meets her future self it could have started a chain of events that would have destroyed the entire universe.

So Lewis, for the universe’s sake – I’m glad you won.

Why is there a picture of Heather Mills on your Wayne Swan article? Apart from the obvious link of being famous and useless?

Garry, Darwin

A fair question. However if you bothered to actually read the article you’ll notice that I referenced Heather Mills’ comprehensive dumping by Sir Paul to the Coalition’s dismal performance in the 2007 Federal Election.

Now, I’ve done some thinking, and I don’t think there’s been a more comprehensive dumping in the past few years than Heather Mills. I was going to give K-Fed some credit here, but somehow Britney turned out as the ‘bad guy’ after her brain explosion head shaving experience. Otherwise I think Heather wins the inaugural ‘Most Comprehensive and Public Dumping from a High Profile Relationship’ award. Congratulations Heather. I’m really thrilled for you.

Hey - as you know I'm no expert on movies... in fact if you ask my friends, they’d say that I'm an "utter ignoramus" because I only go to the movies two or three times a year and rarely watch DVDs.

But despite all this, I thought I'd raise a couple of notable omissions that came to mind.  Swordfish has one of the most explosive openings of any movie ever, but can't crack your top five - omission or does it just not fit?  Also, the opening of Pulp Fiction where Ringo & 'Honey Bunny' hold up the cafe can only be described as "all time".

Steve, Canberra.

Okay, I am onboard with you about most of the five you have listed BUT..what about Gladiator...now there is an intro my friend, the music, the action, the germans goths getting the ass kicking they so richly deserve. I can see you wouldn't put Glad at the top of the list but surely, SURELY it gets in there somewhere? And DUDE what about Transformers the Movie 1. The touch??? Optimus and Megatron locked in battle??!!! C'Mon!!!!

James, Sydney

Wow! Two questions about the same article. Maybe I should write more about movies and less about sports and politics…

As to your questions, you both make some great points. The problem is that I only had 5 spaces. Maybe I should do another “Movie Intros” article and put them in no particular order? Hmmm, probably not. Let’s look at the ones you mention though:

Swordfish: I have to say, the most enduring memory from this movie is not the opening… it’s more to do with Halle Berry and the most random and bizarre topless scene in the history of cinema. The opening though…I have zero memory of it. So I can't really rate it. Sorry folks.

Pulp Fiction: A glaring omission from my top 5. Such a big omission in fact that after reading this question I spent the next hour reliving it’s most hilarious scene – the $5 shake. Now, these days, if you find a milkshake for under $5 it’s a minor miracle. But it did give rise to one of the greatest quotes of all time: “Hot damn that’s a pretty @#^%&! good milkshake!” As for the opening – the Ringo and Honey Bunny sequence is fantastic. It’s both hilarious and action oriented – a perfect mix. I think that ‘All-time” is indeed an appropriate rating for it. But since the rest were out of ten:


Gladiator: Another great opening sequence. The battle at the start of this movie would beat most films ‘climactic battle’ sequence – it’s that good. Archers firing left right and centre, even dogs getting in on the action. But Russell Crowe – he’s such a muppet these days. If I see him in a movie it doesn’t lead me to think “This is going to be awesome!” it more leads me to simply shrug my shoulders. So I’m not sure if after the opening sequence I’d be guaranteed to watch the rest of the film. That being said, it's still pretty damn good.


Transformers The Animated Movie: Well, it would have been more than a little weird to have TWO Transformers movies in the top 5. Even I'm not that big a nerd... ok, maybe I am, but anyway.

The Optimus/Megatron battle in this movie doesn’t count as part of the opening sequence. The opening sequence ends when the credits stop for mine, and in T1 the credits stop just before the shuttle is launched from Moonbase 1.Iit’s good – but the movie doesn’t hit its stride until the Autobot City battle followed by Prime and the Dinobots arriving to turn the tide.

Rating: 8/10

7: “Welcome to the Dragons vs Panthers coming to you live from Dylan Malloch Palace.”

Is that anywhere near the Sports Guy Mansion?

Darren, Adelaide

Uh… no. It may seem that way though since I am the biggest Bill Simmons rip-off in the history of human communication. Hell, I’m ripping him off right now! Still, I’m strangely fine with this.

That being said, I am covering some things that Bill doesn’t. I’ve written a number of politics articles which Bill has never done. Plus, I did an Olympics article which he didn’t… so maybe I am forging my own territory.

Actually… no, I’m not.

8: Your Wayne Swan article… very true mate!!

Tim, Sydney

You’re damn right! If it wasn’t true I wouldn’t have written it. Well… I probably still would have written something as I don’t like him… but still.

The funniest thing happened just the other day though. This Anabell Crabb article is a hilarious account of the frailties, not just of the Rudd Government, but Australian politics in general. Have you ever read anything more depressing??

Now, the notion of refusing to answer questions in Question Time is not something new to Kevin07 though. The Libs did it for 12 years, and Labor had done it for 13 years prior to that! Surely there is a better way. I think the first solution has to be to get an independent speaker for Question Time. Having a party hack as the Speaker is garbage. He refuses to make anyone answer a question properly. I reckon they should have an independent moderator to keep the debate in check. Now THAT would make QT much more interesting… because at the moment all Harry Jenkins does is make we want to start breaking things.

In fact – that might be my next column – how to reinvent Question Time.

9: I read you website the other day.  You really do have way too many references to Britney spears, Julia Gillard, vomiting in your mouth and general references/comparisons to pop culture don't you think?

Ashley, Adelaide

No I don’t think I do. In fact, that question was as lame as Britney Spears’ latest video. Has anyone seen it yet? Basically Britney has decided that there’s only one way to reinvent her image… and that is to go back to her slut-screaming best.

Seriously, she’s naked for more than half this video, and the music is utterly woeful. I think the only people who are going to buy this are:

  1. Desperate for some softcore porn of Britney
  2. Adolescent girls who want to harness their inner skank
  3. I can’t think of a third

Such a great market that Britney is trying to break into these days!

10: I belong in the Australian side no matter what anyone says. I am the best cricketer in Australia’s history, and there’s been a massive conspiracy against me since day one. You and your anti-me friends can go and %&^ off!

Simon Katich, Sydney


Simon, you are a muppet. I feel like I'm having a heart attack every time you walk out to bat. Your greasy unshaven demeanour, the fact that you leave your shirt unbuttoned to your naval, your lame round arm bowling action… all of it points to someone who is a terrible cricketer.

The truth is, there’s no conspiracy against you – you’re just a woeful cricketer and have no place being in the Australian side. Let’s face facts. If you were good at cricket, you’d be a regular fixture in the side. But since you’re terrible at cricket, you aren’t.

Yep, it’s as simple as that. So please take your bat and your ball and go home.

Thanks for reading though!

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Sam Sparro
Sam Sparro made it to the
top of Phil's "Guy" list.

I've been referencing Alicia Silverstone
since at least Year 7.

Doc Brown
Doc Brown would be glad that Lewis Hamilton
won the F1 Championship
Britney K-Fed
Britney and K-Fed had their
fair share of issues.
Pulp Fiction
Pulp Fiction had one
awesome beginning
Bill Simmons
Yes - I am the biggest
Simmons rip-off ever
More often than not,
I'm pretty harsh on Julia
Simon Katich sucks