The Inaugural Mailbag


Now that I’m starting to get a bit of traction with this website, I decided it was time to repay those wonderful souls who’ve given me feedback, criticism and asked questions. That’s right; it’s the inaugural DylanMalloch.com mailbag! These are questions/comments from actual readers (yes I actually do have some) however I should add the disclaimer that there are one or two questions from people who may not have ever visited this site.

Where do you get the time to do all this stuff?
– Alison, Sydney, NSW

Well, it’s funny you should ask. The truth is that I don’t really have time at all. There’s just some massively sadistic/crazy side to me that seems to be glutton for punishment. My website and I are basically a much less famous version of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhall. It’s on again, off again yet for some stupid reason I keep coming back for more.

Other couple analogies could be Jessica Simpson and John Mayer, Pete Doherty and Kate Moss, Amy Winehouse and every crack dealer in the United Kingdom.

That is the worst website I've ever seen. At no point during your rambling, incoherent introduction did you say anything that could be considered a rational thought. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
– Dave, Brisbane, QLD

Thanks for the helpful feedback Dave. I’ll be sure to print it out and add it to the birthday present I send you this year – Amare Stoudamire’s severed head.

I read both the 20/20 article and the Election '07 wrap, and I disagree with most of what you wrote. 20/20 cricket totally gives the crowds what they want! What sort of crack are you smoking?
– Tadryn, Sydney, NSW

Interesting statement, but you couldn’t be more wrong. The only ‘crowds’ who get what they want from 20/20 cricket are the initial ‘oooh, this is new’ crowds. Just you watch as this season goes on and suddenly the excitement will vanish faster than Paris Hilton’s dignity.

Take the IPL for example. The only people who care about it are the crowds in India. TV ratings for both the IPL and the woefully horrible 20/20 World Cup were way down on what the producers hoped. How do you think Channel 10 secured the rights to show it? It’s the equivalent of ABC winning the rights to show the Group 9 Rugby League final from Junee. The only reason Channel 10 got the rights is because they knew that nobody would bother watching.

I was slightly disappointed in your fence-sitting re: election results. I appreciate that in the context of your blog, political preference is unimportant given the lack of influence the leaders of this country were likely to have, but still would have liked it if the objective discussion on the two mobs preceded an attempted communiqué logically balancing pros and cons until such stage as “a better mob” is determined. (Disclaimer: I must, however, admit that on the 24th of November I was in Brisbane on Footy Trip sinking cans and waiting to commiserate the election of our newest country leader.) And by the way, I quite like Gillard. How can you not like someone who allows the chaser boys to roll the headline: “Julia Gillard first to get deputy PMS?”
- Parri, Woollongong, NSW

DM: Whoa! That is a serious question. Nice one…

As for the fence-sitting, it’s not really fence sitting when you take swipes at both sides and bemoan the fact that they were the only two possibilities. I can categorically state for the record though that the most horrendous political party currently in existence is the Australian Democrats.

Well, maybe not horrendous… but their incompetence is ground breaking. They have been decimated at pretty much every level of parliament and will never again be a political force. Do you remember just over 10 years ago when they were the party that decided the GST fate of Australia? Well, their fall from grace hasn’t been quite as steep as Britney’s… it more closely resembles Nicolas Cage.

Nick Cage was never a big BIG name Hollywood star, but all the players knew who he was. He was in a couple of big moments ‘a la the Democrats’ but pretty soon he found himself on the total outer where the only people who recognise him in public are art critics, his family, and his dog. If he was to turn up at Myer today, nobody would either a) recognise him, or b) care that it was him. It’s the same with the Democrats, nobody knows who they are anymore, and those who do know them, don’t care about them.

As for your ‘like’ of Julia Gillard… as far as I’m concerned that’s right up there with expressing admiration at Jon Stanhope, Angela Bishop, and Kwame Brown.

Where did it all go wrong??? It was all meant to be different… it wasn’t meant to turn out like this!!”
– Hillary, New York, USA

Who are you kidding Mrs Clinton? You were never going to be President. Too many people hate you so even if you did mange to win the Primary, you had as much chance in the general election as Jessica Simpson had at winning an Academy Award.

Combine this with the fact that you were up against the most popular American male under 50 yet over 30 (Lebron would most likely be the most popular young American male; Jessica Alba would win the female contest). Obama is like a tidal wave. He’s going to sweep all before him and the only thing that can stop him is a freak of nature (a piano being dumped on his head), a sudden weather change (like a massive sex scandal) or Superman.

Add this to the fact that the Calcium Man is the Republican nominee, and that Ralph Nader is running too… it all spells doom for the Republicans. Plus, the Democrats have the biggest advantage of all: George W Bush is Republican. He is the biggest disadvantage to the Republicans of all… however, the USA did elect Bush TWICE as their President... so don’t rule anything out… granted that his initial election was a ‘contested’ result.

Good column man, but 20/20 blows dog. Period. Don Bradman would be turning in his grave. Still, you’re right about domestic cricket and soccer, spot on.
– Daniel, British Columbia, Canada

Thanks Dan. And like I said in the column, I’m luke warm on 20/20 cricket. If it’s not over played and over promoted, I think it has some potential as a special event. Any more than that though and it will officially have entered the Nicole Ritchie vein – over hyped, over used, and discarded.

Celtics are just too good. Though I wished Jennifer flashed more than just a classy smile ;-) - though I guess to some, that wouldn't be particularly 'classy'.
– Lachlan, Canberra, ACT

Aren’t you the guy she filed a restraining order against? Hmmm, anyway Jennifer Hawkins is the absolute top of the "Female Celebrity I’d Most Like To Go Out With" list. She’s absolutely spectacular. However it got me thinking, who would my top 5 unmarried female celebs be that I’d most like to take on date. Off the top of my head I’d say:

1: Jennifer Hawkins, 2: Rachel Bilson, 3: Kristin Kreuk, 4: Ana Ivanovic,
5: Rachel McAdams

That list was pretty tough to decide… and I can’t believe Jessica Alba wasn’t on it – although she has a kid now which rules her out entirely. Still, that was a good couple of seconds putting that list together… I may have to devote a whole column to it and come up with some criteria. Anyone I’m forgetting? And no Phil, you’re not allowed to send me in a ‘male’ list.

I couldn't believe it when I saw your website....Amazing.
– Jason, Brisbane, QLD

Hmm, not sure if this is a serious one or just another spam message. Personally I think it’s as legit as Britney’s recent ‘zero-alcohol’ policy.

You think I don’t have as much competitive fire as KG? Just wait til I win games 6 and 7 on my own and then talk to me about the will to win punk!
– Kobe, Los Angeles, USA

Kobe, Kobe, Kobe… you’ve got to admit that game 4 alone shows the Celtics had more desire to win than your garbage crew. Any time you have Jordan Farmar taking crunch time shots, it means that either your team has totally lost the plot, or that the apocalypse is just round the corner.

The obvious question though is “Can LA win games 6 and 7?”

The obvious answer is: no. Boston will win this series. Stamp it and send it away. Whether it’s game 6 or 7, Boston will win. Personally, I’m predicting game 6 and here’s why:

1: The Celtics are an unbelievably good home team. They’ve dominated the opposition at home this season, and LA’s big comeback in game 2 was a fluke. Trust me, we won’t be seeing that again.

2: The Lakers’ rebounding is still a major issue. Watching game 4, Gasol and Odom were being out hustled worse than a lap dancer in Vegas. If LA was to have any chance of winning this series, they needed to crash the boards. However, they haven’t so they won’t.

3: The bench players. Having watched every game of this series, I can categorically state that bench players play infinitely better on their home court than on the road. Farmar, Vujacic and Walton still played crap at home, but at least it wasn’t the total dog’s breakfast they served up at the Garden. For the Celtics – Leon Powe is the case in point. If you watched him play in games 1 and 2, then watched games 3, 4 and 5… you’d be forgiven for thinking that it was a completely different person. In Boston, Powe was a man possessed. Everything he touched turned to gold. In LA… he performed worse than a Spice Girls reunion concert. Once this series goes back to Boston, the Celtics bench will once again obliterate the Lakers bench.

I have to say, I hope I’m wrong about game 6. I would sincerely love this series to go to seven games… but common sense says that the Celtics will be hoisting the trophy at around 1:45pm EST on Wednesday.

Well, that’s all I have time for. If you have any questions that I didn’t answer in this mailbag, then send me an email and we’ll work on it for issue two. Thanks to all those who sent in their questions though. Good times


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Reese and Jack
Reese and Jake's relationship is as steady
as that of Dylan and his website.

Gillard Sucks
Julia Gillard rarely manages to
utter an intelligent sentence

It all went wrong for Hillary
Rachel McAdams
Rachel McAdams is one of the
hottest females on the planet
Kobe will need to play the best basketball of his
life for the Lakers to have any chance